I've recently begun to feel inadequate as a Druid. I feel like all I do is read, read, read but I hardly do! Yes, I've been doing my devotionals and my one formal ritual a week. Yes I consider art to be magic and I do that a lot. But... I guess it's because I've been reading up for my Magic 1 essay for the IP. I know more about magic now than I ever did, and yet I hardly ever do it. And by it, I don't mean the everyday magic of crafting, cooking, gardening, etc... Not that I'm overlooking its importance or meaning to me! I mean the conjure up energy, focus, concentrate, shoot, charge, kind. I did a few spells when I first became interested in Wicca. They hardly ever worked out the way I wanted. Part of this was probably because of how inexperienced I was. People would lose their shyness but then become so social that we grew apart. People would attract someone but in a purely sexual way rather than in a loving way... It was frustrating and so I kind of...stopped. I still try to use positive thoughts and prayer... But the last "high" bits of magic I've done were a year or so ago and, while they both worked and worked well, I've not felt the need to do much else. I started to think that magic should only be used as a last resort, when all the "mundane" processes were complete and I hadn't any more "logical" means of action.
Well what a bunch of bullocks that is... At least, that's how I'm starting to see it. If I want to see something manifest in my life, there's no excuse for not doing a "mundane" action as well as a magical action to see it through! Not only would it give me an extra boost towards whatever goals I have, but it would give me the necessary practice to increase any "psychic" abilities I may have.
That's another thing I've been worrying about recently. Am I really cut out for the IP? Can I actually be a proper Druidic magician? Can I actually do trancework? Divination? I get so down on myself because I'm not constantly walking around with one foot in this world and one foot in the Otherworld. I read about peoples' experiences - including good friends whom I fully trust and believe - and I think, "Well damn. Why aren't I that good?" I think it's, in part, because I don't practice enough or let myself believe in the validity of what I have experienced Because I have experienced Otherworldly things. I've felt the presence of deities so vividly that I could feel them hold me. I've had a few deep trance experiences. I've had one short out of body experience. I've seen an unexplained being on the wall when I was little. I've felt or known things that turned out to be true. They were always around times of personal or family crisis. My mother has a sort of intuition as well and has seen the fetches of her friends before finding out that they had died. Maybe there's something in our blood and we just don't properly know how to use it?
Well I'm taking steps to better use and understand what I have. I just need to practice! I need to keep doing my rituals and devotionals, but also do more magic, meditation, and trance. I need to get out of the house and into the forest to commune with the spirits there. I need to connect deeply and, maybe, walk the paths of the Other World. I need to use this computer a lot less!
I've been feeling the pull of the forest for weeks now. I've been scared to go in by myself. We've been here for nearly a year and I hardly visit the forest because I'm not the only one with access. Children play there all the time. People have paintball wars. Some mysterious person used a tree as a bathroom. There are cans here and there, no matter how many times I try to pick up... I'm more scared of meeting the wrong person in the woods. Humans scare me more than anything else right now. Today I took a first step towards the strength I need to be the Druid I want to be. I went into the woods by myself. Twice. I had a knife with me, which some traditions may argue insults the nature spirits, but I hope they know that it was more for defense against perverts. I spent some time in the woods, whispering my intentions to the seen and unseen. I relished in the shade, breathed in the pine, and enjoyed the sights and songs. I came in later and did my ritual with a magical working. It felt good. It felt fairly focused. It's a start. I should probably journal about it towards my IP...
*One was to get a refrigerator back from the former tenant of a place we were renting, and the other, performed with a good friend, was to keep a flirtatious girl away from her husband.
( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )