Personal Growth

Today was a stressful day.  It was, as I told my husband, the Monday of Mondays.  Getting to work was not difficult, but once I was there it was one thing after another.  There was a lot of absenteeism today.  Many people are out with whooping cough which is kind of uncomfortable.  I took my lunch break to run some errands.  I sent my grad school application off which was good.  The rest is in the hands of the administrators and the Gods. I then took some time to make what I thought would be a quick business call.  It turned into a very long and stressful exchange, but supposedly everything was rectified.  A second time.  Gods willing, everything is fine and I will get my bloody certificate of authority so I can legally sell at the upcoming craft show!  Everyone was very kind, patient, and helpful so I can't fault them too much...

I've come to accept that it's going to take me awhile to finish my Initiate Study Program.  Hell, it took me at least a year to delve into my DP, and three years after that to finish.  I took my time.  Who can blame me?  I was working on my first degree while working part time and maintaining various hobbies.  Working full time while attending grad school?  I know I'm going to have my hands full.

I am finding myself less resentful and guilty for my limited Druidic studying.  I do what I can.  I do my short daily devotionals, I pray, I make offerings to Brighid when I sew, and I do my weekly ritual complete with ogham reading.  I practice bits of kitchen magic here and there.  I try to make time for meditations and walks in the woods.  I listen to Pagan music and podcasts.  I alternate fiction with Pagan studies when I read before bed.  I get in touch with my inner self and the spirits through my art.  That is how I am living and experiencing Paganism now.  Do I feel like I could do more?  Sure.  But I'm not beating myself up over it now.


( For My LJ and FB Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Magically Mundane Mondays - Hug a Tree

Although I'm not finished with my Magic 1 essays, I have started to read books on ogham for Divination 1.  I'm not merely looking at the course as a way to learn about divination.  I see learning ogham as a next step in my magical practices.  Not only can it be used as a way to commune with the spirits, but the symbols can be used in magical acts.  I also want to take this opportunity to grow closer to the trees.

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about crystals.  She was telling me about her sister and how she has a spiritual connection to amethyst.  I shared a story about friends of mine who are equally enamored with the crystal.  During this exchange, I admitted that I've never been very drawn to crystals in a spiritual way.  I find some stones more interesting than others, and I enjoy learning the correspondences and symbolism, but I've never felt a pull to learn crystal healing or such.  I thought about it later and realized that what I am drawn to are trees and other plants.  I am interested in their properties, healing potential, symbolism, and history.  I don't discount the divine significance of crystals, but my talents do not reside within that realm.

After work, before delving into anything else, I put my green galoshes on, trudged through the muddy hedges, and went into the forest.  It was cold.  The deciduous trees were practically bare.  The setting sun sent an orange, misty light through the woods.  There weren't any mosquitos or flies.  There was a stillness broken only by a crow flying north and my own footsteps and whispers to the kindreds.  I found myself near a birch tree and I spoke to it, touched, it, hugged it and just sat for a time.  I felt the stillness and firmness of the tree.  I felt the sleep of winter.  I heard the rustle of wind through pine needles.  I saw the still waters of the marshland slowly reclaiming territory amidst the other birch and younger trees.

I encourage you to go out and hug a tree, as silly as that sounds.  Literally hug it and be silent.  Close your eyes for a little, then open them.  Watch.  If a tree is not for you, find a rock, a flower, a moss-covered hill.  Git outside and be still.  Open yourself to the aged wisdom and chaos around you.  If anything, you will feel more relaxed for it.

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

In Which I Struggle Through Magic 1

I think I'm finished with exit question 1 of Magic 1.  For now anyway.

I now believe that one reason I stalled on the essays is because the first question is, in my opinion, worded so awkwardly.  "Discuss the importance of the action of the magico-religious function as it is seen within the context of the general Indo-European culture."  Over the past few months, as I read book after book on magic, I would return to the first exit question to see if I felt confident to try it.  It always felt jagged going into my brain.  It always sounded convoluted coming out of my mouth. 
  I still worry that I don't know enough to answer the questions.  I'm probably over-thinking things, but I realized that I now know a lot more about the Greek and Roman perceptions of magic than the Celtic.  I tried to find some old Irish legal manuscripts dealing with magic, but they either haven't been translated yet or are buried in another law text concerned with something more general.  I know from prior reading that the concept of a witch or a sorcerer who practices dark magic exists in Irish lore, but I don't know if those aspects are demonized through Christianity or not.  If the ancient Greek and Roman Pagans allowed for conceptions of marginal, ethically questionable magicians, it's certainly possible that the ancient Celts felt the same way.  That said, the Greeks and Romans were afraid of people who threatened the social balance.  The Celts, on the other hand, have examples of public cursing resulting in the fall of kings -  major social change!  However, the cursing is usually justified because it was the king himself who threw the system out of balance!

Raaarg.  I have a headache.  At least I'm finally starting my essays.

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

I Envy You Professional Pagans...

I envy the professional witches and druids out there.  It's not that I dislike my career.  I get a lot of fulfillment out of it and find that it's quite compatible with Druidism.  But when I come home, I'm so exhausted.  I focus on my artwork because a) it's spiritually fulfilling to me and b) it's easy to focus on while relaxing in front of a show (unless I'm using a sewing machine...  then it's impossible).  Free weekends are few and far between.  There's always something happening.  A ritual an hour and a half away.  Family visitations.  Socializing with friends.  Vacation.  Craft shows.

I envy the professional witches and druids who have time to really focus on more than one aspect of their spirituality.  They have the time and energy to, not only craft, but study herbalism, meditate for long periods, take nature walks, study the lore, write essays and/or books, practice divination, and serve the greater community.  I want that!  That is, at least, my goal for retirement.

One of the biggest reasons I started the Initiate Study Program was because I wanted a structured way to help me explore the other areas of Druidism - trance, magic, liturgy, language, etc...  I've found myself moving through it slowly - not out of boredom or disinterest!  I merely have little time and energy.  That said, I don't want to give up.  I know that, if I sit down and focus, I'll be able to finish Magic 1 (at least a first draft) very soon.

Taking a sick day has helped me once again realize just how little time and energy I usually have.  I took that day and finished the book I had been picking at for months.  I started to organize my notes on it and even started answering the questions.  I had time and energy - it felt amazing.  I felt like I was getting somewhere in my Druidic studies.  In the summer I felt so alive.  I had free time to walk in the woods, explore the plants in the hedges, tend my herbs, etc...  Now it's back to the grindstone and back to feeling  spiritually stifled.

Except for art.  It's the one thing I cling to when everything else goes to the back burner.  I really need to focus on and cultivate that.  Perhaps it's a calling?

Anyway, I find myself questioning my routine and my priorities.  Should I just focus on art and try to make time for meditation and as my schedule and energy levels allow?  Or should I attempt to make myself a schedule?  I like structure and routine, for the most part.  I could benefit from, at the very least, an attempt to meditate/trance once or twice a week on a set day when Weretoad is working.  That could be a start.  Then perhaps I could schedule myself a day to walk in the woods?  A day to study?  It all goes against what should be my Sagittarian nature, but I need to do something to feel more balanced.

Any suggestions?

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Sick Days

Today I took a sick day.  I hesitated to do it because I'm not hacking out a lung, don't want to get too behind in work, and hate having to call in, but I really needed to.  I should have yesterday.  I felt like rubbish all day.  I was able to get my work done and interact well with others, but I felt uncomfortable.  My stomach was acting up and, in addition, I've had a sore throat and cough for a few days.  I also feel like I'm burning up at times.  Because my job revolves around communication, and because I don't want to get any worse, I took today as a day of rest.  I slept in, had a cup of tea, and plan to gargle salt water and just relax.  I should also use my neti pot.  I think my sore throat is due to a nasal drip.  Yuck.

Sometimes I guess you just need such a time - a day in.  Today is a good day to work on Magic 1.  I really need to finish that course.  I've been working on it for months...

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Magic 101

I feel as if I've been working on this one portion of the Initiate Program forever!  I'm very nearly done with Magic in the Ancient World by Fritz Graf.  It's been an absolutely fascinating read thus far and I feel like I've learned more from it than I have any other book on the subject.

I still feel a bit intimidated by some of the questions.  It's not that I don't understand them, but I feel as if I still don't know enough to answer them adequately!  This is my problem.  I keep reading, and reading, and reading.  I really should get on with it and answer the questions!

One thing is for certain: even when I've finished the course, my appetite for magical knowledge is greater than ever before.  Along with the history books, I've been looking through old grimoirs here and there.  I'm intrigued by the history of magic, who used it, why, and where the modern methods came from.  I think too many people attempt magic without enough study.

There was a time when I found magic to be too much for me.  I practiced it but had results that were simply too effective and in ways that I did not intend or desire.  I didn't fully understand the symbolism involved, the deities they were connected with, or the cultures who had nurtured them.  I decided I would stop doing it except through prayer and offerings.  Maybe some divination here and there.  That was when I was dabbling with Wicca and eclectic Paganism.  Now that I'm older, more educated, and have better guidance, I feel more confident in myself and the craft.  I find myself looking in places that would have made my younger self nervous.  It's not that I take it lightly or feel myself "ready" for anything in particular - I am just less ignorant of it.  

To move forward, I feel that I really must develop my meditative and trance skills.  I've been far too lax recently...  I'm kind of disappointed with myself, really.  I must get back on track and strengthen my mental discipline.

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Bulleted Update

• I'm working on a fairy costume for Samhain.  I scrapped my original idea which involved a laced vest.  I'm going to try and make myself a chemise type dress with a girdle/faux corset thing around the chest.  I'm trying to go for an elegant but wild look, if that makes sense.  I bought ear tips and need to paint them...
• I'm signed up to participate in an artisan trading card exchange through the ADF Artisan Guild.  I'm excited about it but need to figure out what to do...  The deadline is approaching...  
• I really, really need to finish reviewing a DP that was resubmitted to me...  
• Work is draining me.  It was a short week and everything, but I return home and feel so out of it.  I just want to sit, watch things, and sew/crochet.  So...it's not like I'm being a total lazy bum, but there are definitely other things I need to work on.
• Still chugging along on Magic I.  
• Still chugging along through "The Two Towers."
• I've been slowly working on two dolls.  Their clothing is coming into existence.  I'd like to get a felting needle to help me with some accessories.  I also started another tree spirit yesterday.
• I've been really horrid about meditation recently.  My discipline gets completely out of sorts whenever I visit family.  I don't blame them at all - I blame myself.  Still, I see them so infrequently that I can't justify pulling away to be by myself when I'm down there.  I'm hoping to attend a meditation class at a local yoga center this coming week.  I hope it helps reenergize and refocus me.

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Blurb

My spirit really wants to take a walk in the woods but my body is very much against it.  For starters, I had a long and wearisome work day.  Second, and most influential - it's dreadfully hot today.

I think it will be a good night for trance.  Maybe.  *crosses fingers*

It is also a good night to work on study programs and catch up with my mentoring and reviewing...

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

On the Evolution of Magic

I've been reading Magic in the Ancient World  by Fritz Graf.  While I'm not even halfway through, I'm learning a lot about magic in the Mediterranean world.  The concept changed throughout history, but there was always this concept of the "other" - the enemy or the outsiders - practicing malevolent magic.  Unless I am way off base, it seems that beneficial magic (like healing) was hardly considered magic at all because, for some time, magic was considered a practice apart from the official religion - and healing was endorsed (this became complicated when healing magic was differentiated from medical science). People who attempted to control the will of the Gods were argued to be atheists by some because they questioned the power of the Gods.  It's interesting how concepts change throughout time.

I'm not sure what to assume about the Celts in their many tribes.  We know the Druids and the common folk practiced magic of varying degrees, and yet there is still the concept of the horrible witch - the other apart from the Druid.  She (or he, I suppose) practiced wicked spells and was feared (but usually bested in the end).  Was this a carryover from Christian fear, another way to view deities of death and decay, or did the Celts categorize magic as good and bad; endorsed and prohibited?

Some people have this idea that the witch of ancient times was really once a respected wise woman or man.  That is true for some periods, but not all.  And the witches in the stories are not healers - they are quite the opposite!  Many in our communities today would also ostracize and perhaps even persecute someone who practiced magic for immoral reasons such as stealing another's property.  Thankfully, it seems most Pagans do not aim for such roles.  A normal person detests the wicked witches in the lore - lore that may be propaganda against the innocent practitioners of folk magic from an older, once endorsed religion.

When we look back at magic and how it has been perceived through the years, it is complicated and depends on the time and the place.  It also depends on who you talk to.  Magical history is not so cut and dry as some would have us believe.

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Rolling in Books

A new book arrived for me in the mail today: Magic in the Ancient World by Fritz Graf.  It's recommended reading for Magic 1 in ADF's Initiate Program.  I've read many titles about the history and folklore of magic in Europe - mostly focusing on the north-eastern parts.  This latest book focuses on the Mediterranean world.  All I know about magic from Greece and Rome is the mythological side - the famous witches like Circe and Medea.  I'm excited to delve into it... as soon as I finish Celtic Heritage: Ancient Tradition in Ireland and Wales by Rees and Rees towards my Indo-European Mythology class.

I've also been reading from my massive art history book every night.  I finished the chapter on the Egyptians a couple nights ago and am about to explore Aegean art.

Aaaaand while doing all of that, I also picked up The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring finally.  I read and immensely enjoyed The Hobbit when I was in fifth or sixth grade, and I always meant to read the trilogy...  I'm loving it so far!



( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Into the Forest

I've recently begun to feel inadequate as a Druid.  I feel like all I do is read, read, read but I hardly do!  Yes, I've been doing my devotionals and my one formal ritual a week.  Yes I consider art to be magic and I do that a lot.  But...  I guess it's because I've been reading up for my Magic 1 essay for the IP.  I know more about magic now than I ever did, and yet I hardly ever do it.  And by it, I don't mean the everyday magic of crafting, cooking, gardening, etc...  Not that I'm overlooking its importance or meaning to me!  I mean the conjure up energy, focus, concentrate, shoot, charge, kind.  I did a few spells when I first became interested in Wicca.  They hardly ever worked out the way I wanted.  Part of this was probably because of how inexperienced  I was.  People would lose their shyness but then become so social that we grew apart.  People would attract someone but in a purely sexual way rather than in a loving way...  It was frustrating and so I kind of...stopped.  I still try to use positive thoughts and prayer...  But the last "high" bits of magic I've done were a year or so ago and, while they both worked and worked well, I've not felt the need to do much else.  I started to think that magic should only be used as a last resort, when all the "mundane" processes were complete and I hadn't any more "logical" means of action.

Well what a bunch of bullocks that is...  At least, that's how I'm starting to see it.  If I want to see something manifest in my life, there's no excuse for not doing a "mundane" action as well as a magical action to see it through!  Not only would it give me an extra boost towards whatever goals I have, but it would give me the necessary practice to increase any "psychic" abilities I may have.

That's another thing I've been worrying about recently.  Am I really cut out for the IP?  Can I actually be a proper Druidic magician?  Can I actually do trancework?  Divination?  I get so down on myself because I'm not constantly walking around with one foot in this world and one foot in the Otherworld.  I read about peoples' experiences - including good friends whom I fully trust and believe - and I think, "Well damn.  Why aren't I that good?"    I think it's, in part, because I don't practice enough or let myself believe in the validity of what I have experienced  Because I have experienced Otherworldly things.  I've felt the presence of deities so vividly that I could feel them hold me.   I've had a few deep trance experiences.  I've had one short out of body experience.  I've seen an unexplained being on the wall when I was little.  I've felt or known things that turned out to be true.  They were always around times of personal or family crisis.  My mother has a sort of intuition as well and has seen the fetches of her friends before finding out that they had died.  Maybe there's something in our blood and we just don't properly know how to use it?

Well I'm taking steps to better use and understand what I have.  I just need to practice!  I need to keep doing my rituals and devotionals, but also do more magic, meditation, and trance.  I need to get out of the house and into the forest to commune with the spirits there.  I need to connect deeply and, maybe, walk the paths of the Other World.  I need to use this computer a lot less!

I've been feeling the pull of the forest for weeks now.  I've been scared to go in by myself.  We've been here for nearly a year and I hardly visit the forest because I'm not the only one with access.  Children play there all the time.  People have paintball wars.  Some mysterious person used a tree as a bathroom.  There are cans here and there, no matter how many times I try to pick up...  I'm more scared of meeting the wrong person in the woods.  Humans scare me more than anything else right now.  Today I took a first step towards the strength I need to be the Druid I want to be.  I went into the woods by myself.  Twice.  I had a knife with me, which some traditions may argue insults the nature spirits, but I hope they know that it was more for defense against perverts.  I spent some time in the woods, whispering my intentions to the seen and unseen.  I relished in the shade, breathed in the pine, and enjoyed the sights and songs.  I came in later and did my ritual with a magical working.  It felt good.  It felt fairly focused.  It's a start.  I should probably journal about it towards my IP...


*One was to get a refrigerator back from the former tenant of a place we were renting, and the other, performed with a good friend, was to keep a flirtatious girl away from her husband.




( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

A Lazy Day

I'm finally on vacation, and will be until August, so I suddenly have a lot of time on my hands.  I've been sewing a lot, for one.  I made a cat plushie, altered several dresses, and have been diligently working on a fairy doll*.  I've been working on another pair of socks here and there.  I've also been attempting to tidy my apartment and maintain my garden.

ADF-wise, I'm nearly done reviewing my first DP and have been reading, reading, reading for my own study programs.   I also started a Google group for the vegetarians and vegans in ADF called ADF Veggies**.

I have been very productive!

Today, however, I feel lazy.  I worked a little on my doll (sketched an outfit concept, painted some beads...), but otherwise?  Maybe I feel a little lost without my job this month.  I do everything I normally pack into the evening in the morning now and am left...  with a lot of time!

I started to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."  A few episodes aside, I've never really seen much!  A friend once tried to get me into it.  She showed me a few episodes but never from the beginning.  It always seemed really hokey to me.  Indeed, it is, but by starting from the beginning the corniness has grown on me.  I find the characters amusingly delightful.  The occult references are often hilarious, but for every Hollywood cliche or seemingly offensive cultural appropriation, there's always a surprising "Wow, they actually know that!" moment.  I've been urged by several friends to keep going as it "only gets better."




*Photos coming soon!


** Are you a vegan or a vegetarian?  Join join join!


( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Art, Books, and Joy

First of all, here is my new Deviant Art page.  I still have a lot of dolls to upload (not to mention some profile tweaking) but those are the most recent works.  I'm currently stitching a new fairy doll.  Fairies were the most popular (as far as sales and compliments went) at Wellspring, and I realized that I haven't made a fairy in a long, long time.  Last summer I made a pair of fairy wings out of nylon with the help of my friend/sister-in-law.  I need to take those semi-new skills and apply them to my dolls!

In other news, I've been working hard on the study programs.  Still no word about my muse essay, but I've been reading and organizing notes for Art History and Magic I.  The study programs fill the void that was college.  I miss academia and, though I'm planning to go to graduate school next year, I feel lucky to be part of a religious tradition that values study just as much as it values spirituality, artistry, and magic.  I'm currently working my way through Real Magic by Isaac Bonewits and the gargantuan Janson's History of Art. I recently finished The Magic Arts in Celtic Britain by Lewis Spence.  I found it to be helpful in better understanding some aspects of Celtic belief, such as the Otherworld, fairies/spirits, and the "second sight," and was mildly, if wryly, amused by the out of date nationalism and/or racism.  The author kept talking about how amazing Britain is and how superior the Celtic beliefs/practices/philosophies are to other "barbaric" cultures.  Yay for 1945!  The art history book is proving to be interesting and inspiring even though I've barely put a dent in it.  Uncle Isaac's work (his first published book) is also interesting.  I dig his humor and even his mild elitism (and older and wiser Bonewits apologizes for it in the forward), and find it heartening to know that I'm not the only crazy who believes in multiple truths and universes.  I'm only up to chapter three, but I'm really gaining a lot from his insights.

While in the shower this evening, I realized just how much I get back from ADF and the study programs.  I feel like I've learned so much and I know I will learn more.  The beauty is that it's learning for the sake of it.  I'm not doing it because society tells me I need a job or because it's "the logical thing to do" after high school.  I really enjoy it and want to make it a bigger part of my life.



[ For my LJ friends, please visit me at: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ ]

Contemplating Excellence and the Stress ADFers Put Themselves Under to Get There

I just sent my Art Muse essay in.  I'm hopeful that it's okay but I'm always prepared to make revisions.  I know a lot of people in ADF get uptight about that, but I guess I got so used to having to do it in college (I was an English major) that I know it's just part of the writing process.  Nobody is perfect and it often takes another set of eyes to help us find the areas that need tweaking.  Sometimes it's grammatical and sometimes it's content-related.

"Why not excellence?" is a wonderful motto, but I think sometimes people lose sight of the necessary journey to get there.  Rarely is someone or something "excellent" in one go.  I can understand the feelings of frustration and despair when something you've worked hard on is ripped apart and you thought you had it all right to begin with.  I've been there.  I've also survived it and am better of for it.  I don't condone professors/tutors/reviewers/editors who belittle a writer - but I also think that people need to realize that writing essays is a process.  Having to revise is not equal to failure - it's just a necessary detour to your growth.

Whenever my essay is officially accepted, I'll be sure to add it to my website and post a link to it here.  :)

Now...  Off to continue working on Magic 1!



[ For my LJ friends, please visit me at: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ ]

Taking Care of Business

Wellspring really motivated me to delve deeper into the study programs I'm working on.  I kept making excuses for why I wasn't working harder.  Some of them are arguably valid, such as being tired after work, but I only work for five days out of seven.  There are two days that I could easily get something done.

Tonight I started to edit a book review for Oak Leaves, continued my work on the muse essay for the Artisan study program, and did a full ritual.  I used ogham to seek guidance from the Kindreds and they seemed to have a lot of positive things to say about my desire to do a ritual every week.  All signs point to it being the best thing for my spirituality.  The Kindreds seem to be saying that in doing so, I will grow closer to the land, myself, and the Kindreds in general.  I made an oath that, so long as I'm physically able, I will perform a full ritual once a week.  Should I fail, I will give up the internet (my biggest time sink) for the following week.  The only exception to that is my work email.  Otherwise, no surfing or checking status updates at all.  I've been pretty good about keeping my oath to do a devotional every day unless I participate in some other ritual.  Oaths motivate me.

So I feel pretty good about myself and my spirituality tonight!

In other news, my garden is doing so well!  The marigolds are starting to blossom which adds some much needed color to what is otherwise a collection of green.  I can't wait until my forget me nots blossom!





[ For my LJ friends, please visit me at: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ ]

Books books books!

I need to find a new, large bookshelf.  My Pagan library is already large and I just ordered four (or was it five?) new books for my study programs.  Eeee!


[ For my LJ friends, please visit me at: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ ]

On Study Programs

In an effort to organize my studies, I put together two binders for the Artisan Guild and Initiate study programs respectively.  I'm currently trudging away on Magic 1.  I reviewed the exit standards again and realize that I could probably start working on some of them.  At the same time I'm very insecure in regards to my knowledge on the matter.  I've only finished one out of the three books I've purchased.  I'm nearly finished with a second.  I need to enforce some discipline and scheduling on myself in order to do the meditations in the third book.  I think that if I sped through it without attempting to do the meditations, I would only cheat myself of possible insight and experience.  After all, I did do the first meditation and got a lot out of it.

On a related note, has anyone read Real Magic by Isaac Bonewits?  What did you think of it?

I would like to do more work on my muse essay for the Art SP.  I need to go through my growing Celtic studies library and bookmark every mention of Brighid.  I have a very good idea on what I want to discuss in my essay, but I need more scholarly material.  Speaking of the Art SP, I think my next major book purchase will be an art history text.  I really need to start that...

I'm feeling pretty good today.  I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and research this month.  I've been making changes, thinking about them, tweaking them...  I've been reflecting on my spirituality and other spiritualities.  I feel like I found a happy medium today, and that I am at peace with myself and my relationship with everything.  This last month has been a journey/experiment.  I feel that I've found a balance I'm happy with and spiritually secure in.

In other news, I've been working on a drawing*.

I know it's kind of difficult to see.  I'm not done with him yet, and I actually want to go over him with a fine pen.  It's the first drawing I've done in a couple weeks.


*http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/

I sometimes feel less than adequate in the Pagan community.  There are so many people who claim the ability to astrally travel, see visions/auras, and sense energy.  I honestly believe that I experienced accidental astral projection once.  I've been able to see visions in my own mind and firmly believe that I saw a spirit of some sort when I was very, very young.  I can go into trance but it often takes a lot of time.  I can sense my own energies but have a harder time sensing them in other people.  I have, but not always.    When I say that, I mean the more subtle energies.  Like most humans, I'm easily able to sense anger, confusion, distrust, etc...  I know not everyone associates those feelings with energy but I do.  I've never seen an aura.  I sometimes think I'm not very good at projecting energy.  I'm a complete novice in divination.

I worry that I will disappoint the elders in my community.  I worry that I will disappoint the Kindreds.  I worry that I'll down-right suck in the ISP.

The rational side of me says that I'm young and inexperienced; that some of these things will come with time and practice*.  Practice is the biggie for me.  I waste so much time *not* practicing!  My time management definitely needs improvement.  My priorities are sometimes off.  Either that or I'm too easily distracted.  Or, very innocently and rightly, I just want to spend time with my husband.  All the same, I need to make more "me time" for my spirituality.  I need to spend less time online, less time playing games, and less time wasting time.

A question to my Pagan friends - do you ever feel this way?  How do you deal with it?







*I know there are some of you shaking your heads right now.  "She's talking about being rational about irrational things!"  :P

Vacation!

I'm officially on vacation!  What am I going to do with myself?  Well besides sleeping in and possibly visiting family, I'm planning to do some ISP and Art Guild SP work.  I have numerous books and articles to read, an essay I'd like to start, and drawings to work on.  I also have my various sewing projects to keep me busy.

I'm really excited about tomorrow.  Tomorrow, dear readers, I'm going to get a massage at Massage Works in Watertown!  As my husband guesses, it's sure to be an excellent start to my vacation!  The massage therapist, Patti, also does reiki.  Down the road I would love to get a combination massage/reiki treatment.  Yes, I know, I received my reiki I attunement and can perform self-treatments...  but really, isn't it nice to have someone else do it too?  My poor back is so achey; I'm terribly excited about tomorrow.  I'll be sure to post a review!